queerly coded

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a stay-at-home mom, and my husband works outside the home. We have three kids and obviously we all sometimes get sick. However, for some reason (*cough* I wash my hands and he doesn’t *cough*) I usually seem to get a much milder case of whatever bug we’re all dealing with than my husband, or sometimes don’t get it at all, leaving me to care for sick kids without any help. I know I should be grateful that I don’t usually get as sick, but being under the weather and nursing sick babies while my husband sleeps all day is hard. I usually end up completely run down, exhausted, and sometimes even depressed.

Recently, we all got the flu, and this time I did get it pretty bad. My husband was still recovering, and the baby was still sick so my mom had to come stay with us for a while … and then she got it. My husband and I talked after we were all healthy about how we could better handle a house full of sick people and, uncharacteristically, we didn’t come to a great resolution. I’m tired of not being able to get significant rest time when I’m ill and being on my own with sick kids, so I think we should rely on help from family more and also that my husband should accept that being sick as a parent isn’t the same as being sick without kids. I asked him to really consider what help he could offer me while he’s sick and volunteer it more. I also admitted that I should do a better job of asking him to work from home occasionally when I need to recover from being sick. He agreed on the last point but didn’t accept either of the first two: He thinks it’s out of line to ask family to come help us and get sick themselves and isn’t willing to commit himself to doing more when he is sick. We’re all healthy now but I’m sure the next virus is just around the corner, so who is right? How do you fairly split the work when everyone doesn’t feel good?

—We’re Not at Our Best

Dear WNaOB,

I am always thrilled to hear anyone is out there, washing their hands, which is one of the best forms of preventive “medicine” we have. This may indeed help account for the times you manage to avoid the bug entirely but can have no possible relationship to the times you just have milder symptoms than your less fortunate family members.

Every illness is different. So is what “doing more” can mean. I’m glad you are on the same page about him working from home more frequently while you are recovering; I am not sure why it hinges on you asking as opposed to him making the decision based on the situation, but if that’s what it takes, fine.

On the family question, I’m torn. I would not ask an older relative to risk the seasonal flu, if at all possible. For minor bugs, if you are extremely honest that you are floundering and need a second pair of hands and that those hands may wind up catching whatever illness the family has, people can make their own informed decision about helping.

Sometimes everyone is sick at once. One of the worst parts of being a parent is not being able to retreat to the couch with a Gatorade, regardless of how terrible you feel, because a child needs you to hold their hair back or heat up some soup. It’s a good time to rely on food delivery for a short period (if anyone actually feels like eating), and I recommend having basic sickness prep ready to roll (children’s cold medicine to bring down fevers and help with sleep, Pedialyte, extra mattress protectors under extra fresh sheets so you can just yank off the soiled top set and have a pre-made bed ready to go, etc.)

You and your husband are not going to solve for all time the “but I’M sicker when I’m sick” argument. You do need to ask for what you need and to be specific with what those needs are. “Can you please switch the laundry to the dryer? Can you load the dishwasher? Can you bring home saltines and ginger ale?” It seems as though communication in your household has become contentious and now carries the weight of grievances from Ghosts of Seasonal Flu Past. He thinks you’re telling him he’s a malingerer, you’re drowning in gross tissues, etc. Please try to strip emotion out of these interactions whenever possible. Fake it like you’re on a team until you’re actually on a team here.

Also, I hesitate to tell a grown man to wash his hands during cold and flu season, but if he hasn’t grasped the repeated and unpleasant cause and effect at play here, you have my permission to tell him a professional advice columnist thinks he’s being a real tool.